Doctors are concerned for the health of a 24-year-old EDM fan who has reached a staggering 240 kilograms while “bulking” in preparation for an as-yet-unscheduled electronic music festival.
‘It’s good, I’m fit, I’m healthy, I haven’t done a leg day in three months’, says Arn Newin. ‘I’ll start shredding any day now, as soon as they announce the next Stereos. I’ve got a mate who does promotions for HQ, he reckons that they’re going to make an announcement on Instagram for the new Stereos. It’ll most probably happen before Wednesday’.
The warehouse worker has become something of a local celebrity, as shopkeepers gather each morning to witness the top-heavy Newin topple over in the breeze, struggle to tie his shoelaces and scrape his triceps on both passing cars and shop-front windows while he walks the Port Road footpath to work.
Meanwhile, Dr Harry Cooper, a local GP who assures us that he is no relation to the TV vet*, says that local doctors are increasingly concerned for the man’s health. ‘It’s risky, whenever you put on that amount of weight, you’re placing your heart and other organs under tremendous stress. Not to mention the physical strain of what’s involved in getting to that size’.
‘Although, a few of us are taking bets on what we reckon he’ll get to’, continues Cooper. ‘I pulled out “430 kilos” in the sweep, but I kicked in an extra five bucks and now I’ve got “heart attack before thirty” too. We’ll just have to wait and see’.
*The Adelaide Mail remains unconvinced about whether or not Dr Cooper is that Dr Harry, and will continue to investigate by placing golf caps on his head and gauging his reaction when we play the theme song to 90s TV show “Talk To The Animals”.